“Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and I’m just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history.” “Yesterday there were rallies for me in cities across the country, including Chicago. You can tell things are bad when even Cubs fans feel sorry for you.” “It’s been a busy day for me today. I spent the afternoon at Universal Studios’ amusement park, enjoying their brand-new ride, the ‘Tunnel of Litigation.’” “Some papers are reporting that I’m legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. For example, I am NOT allowed to say things like: ‘NBC is headed downhill faster than a fat guy chasing a runaway cheese-wheel.’” “But nobody said anything about speaking in Spanish. NBC esta manejado por hijos de cabras imbeciles que comen dinero y evacuan problemas.” (NBC is run by brainless sons of goats who eat money and crap trouble.) “Some other stories in the press are saying that in the future I may not be able to retain what is known as my show’s ‘intellectual property.’ Isn’t it great to live in a country where a cigar-smoking dog puppet and a bear that masturbates are considered ‘intellectual property?’” “I have to say, all of our problems with NBC really did sneak up on us quite suddenly. But I should have seen this coming. During the few months we’ve been doing this show, there were definitely things that should have tipped me off.” “I’ll give you an example, check this out.” (Cut to applause sign) “There’s our applause sign…” (Applause sign blinks) “… but look at the sign below it…” (Camera pans up to reveal sign that reads: ‘Humor him for 7 months.’)